Sta.sh
It wasn’t a romantic setting.
We were crouched together in the alleyway behind McGregor’s pub
where smells of substandard alcohol and cigarette smoke stained the air
and the muffled song of drunks could be heard from inside, seeming to leak through the walls.
Only, those weren't things I noticed that night.
Instead, I noticed the smell of his cologne,
a smell I recognised only from chilly days on the beach.
Like sea salt blown through cold wind,
and I noticed the sound of his steadfast breaths:
hot and sharp, but reliable; comforting.
As I buried myself in the radiating folds of his shirt
he whispered that I was his world
and so, one day, he would give me the whole world in return.
I just shook my head
because I didn't want it.
Just him, always him.
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This piece is so concrete. The opening line immediately takes us to the moment - the emotion(s) you want to capture, beautifully and succinctly.
I would try to streamline your stanzas, just a bit, to help with the flow. Also: play up punctuation and line breaks
A couple of minor edits to these two stanzas.:
Only, those weren't things I noticed that night.
Instead, I noticed the smell of his cologne,
a smell I recognised only from chilly days on the beach,
like sea salt blown through cold wind,
and I noticed the sound of his steadfast breaths:
hot and sharp, but reliable; comforting.
I just shook my head
because I didn't want it.
Lovely job
That's the painful reality that pours out from this poem; I like that, the... razor's edge reality which is perched towards the cold cliff of iron-clad society and freedom of speech and citizenship.
This poem's ending, much like its beginning, was sudden - and that delivered the much needed kick to keep this poem together.
Well Done! Bravo! Bravo!
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