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Submitted on
November 7, 2012
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It wasn’t a romantic setting.

We were crouched together in the alleyway behind McGregor’s pub
where smells of substandard alcohol and cigarette smoke stained the air
and the muffled song of drunks could be heard from inside, seeming to leak through the walls.

Only, those weren't things I noticed that night.
Instead, I noticed the smell of his cologne,
a smell I recognised only from chilly days on the beach.
Like sea salt blown through cold wind,
and I noticed the sound of his steadfast breaths:
hot and sharp, but reliable; comforting.

As I buried myself in the radiating folds of his shirt
he whispered that I was his world
and so, one day, he would give me the whole world in return.

I just shook my head
because I didn't want it.

Just him, always him.
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:iconshehrozeameen:
This poem... had so much of a warmth and melancholy that Anathema portrays in its songs, that I cannot bring myself into reading it a second time lest I suffer the harshness of a reality which we cannot understand... but understand anyway...

That's the painful reality that pours out from this poem; I like that, the... razor's edge reality which is perched towards the cold cliff of iron-clad society and freedom of speech and citizenship.

This poem's ending, much like its beginning, was sudden - and that delivered the much needed kick to keep this poem together.

Well Done! Bravo! Bravo!
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The Artist thought this was FAIR
1 out of 1 deviants thought this was fair.

:icontravelgirlxx:
Critique by travelgirlxx Feb 16, 2013, 6:16:01 PM
Critique for :iconsuperwritershelp:

This piece is so concrete. The opening line immediately takes us to the moment - the emotion(s) you want to capture, beautifully and succinctly.

I would try to streamline your stanzas, just a bit, to help with the flow. Also: play up punctuation and line breaks :)


A couple of minor edits to these two stanzas.:

Only, those weren't things I noticed that night.
Instead, I noticed the smell of his cologne,
a smell I recognised only from chilly days on the beach,
like sea salt blown through cold wind,
and I noticed the sound of his steadfast breaths:
hot and sharp, but reliable; comforting.



I just shook my head
because I didn't want it.



Lovely job :D
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1 out of 1 deviants thought this was fair.

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:iconazizriandaoxrak:
AzizrianDaoXrak Featured By Owner Feb 22, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
This is just a friendly little note to let you know your wonderful piece has been featured!: [link]

Please consider faving the article and taking a peek at the other featured pieces to support the other artists :)
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:icondivafica:
divafica Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
Thanks:)
I'll be doing both.
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:iconazizriandaoxrak:
AzizrianDaoXrak Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
YAY! I hope you enjoy it ^^
Reply
:iconsaphirepz:
SaphirePZ Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Aw this is so sweet <3
Reply
:icondivafica:
divafica Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
Thank you :)
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