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They loathe me;
they shout the worst words
(the kind that encircle you like flies; relentless) -
burning, scathing words.

It doesn't matter. I don't care what anybody else says.

I am alone, shunned.
I curl up in the wastelands
of something I once recognised
as my most intimate identity,
but now feels foreign and outlandish;
like myself.  

They're just words. I don't have to let them get to me.


I am proud.I don't need anyone elseto accept me;I accept myself.
Entry to #A-Fistful-Of-Pages pop-up contest [link] on pride and acceptance.

The contest is for LGBT week, so I tried to make it fit into common feelings that LBGT people would have, while still make it something I myself could relate to, and lots of other people could relate to as well!

Not actually something I was feeling at the time, but I really got into it, aha. ^^;
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:iconthefs:
Hey there =divafica my name is Ed, and I'm from #SuperWritersHelp. You asked for your work to be critiqued as a poem, so here goes.

I'll start of by saying that this is a subject I know quite a lot about. You've chosen to approach it in a way that is quite general and I guess that's alright. Personally, I would have liked something a little more focused in on feelings (while still keeping in generally broad.) You deal with wide topics like hate, being verbally abused etc but don't move into anything specific. I'm not saying that's a bad thing, that's just what I would have liked to have seen more of.

They loathe me; (a good starting line. It sets up the circumstances well. I wonder how you could incorporate the narrator's feelings into that one line too? Maybe italicise the 'they' to show that 'they' loathe me (I don't loathe myself).
they shout the worst words (nice alliteration)
right in my ear, (not very interesting as a line. What is it about the ear that makes it interesting? Because it's close? Intimate? Personal? Or because it means he can't ignore them? It's all the narrator ever hears?)
burning, scathing words. (I find this interesting. You've chosen words that are hot, fire-like words. Personally, I've never felt like that. The words themselves might feel hot, but that's the opposite of the effect they have. If anything, it makes you feel colder, because you're isolated and have no one how accepts you. It might be nice to have 'burning, freezing words' to get this duality of the meaning)

I am proud... Proud of me, of who I am, of what I am. (This isn't particularly original, but I guess it gets the point across.)

I'm alone now, shunned. (is 'now' needed? When was there a time the narrator wasn't alone? I'm a bit confused. You say 'they loathe me' as an indefinite clause (it's continual), but 'now' suggests that something has changed. For example, coming out, and 'now' he/she is hated for it)
I curl up in the wastelands
of something I once recognised (nice enjambment)
as my most intimate identity,
but now feels foreign and outlandish; (nice alliterations over these lines, and repetitions of something 'wild/baron' in 'wastelands' and 'outland')
like myself.

I am not wrong, they just don't understand me. (again, this 'thought' is very unoriginal. I don't know if you're speaking personally here or not, but to me, this is just something people expect gay/bi people to think. I don't think that's true. For me, it's not that people don't understand, it's the fact that they're unwilling to try. They've been told something is 'bad' or 'wrong', they don't argue.)

(I am proud.I don't need anyone elseto accept me;I accept myself.)

As for the last line, it's an interesting effect… getting smaller. I think there should be some spaces between the phrases, because at the moment there aren't. Are you suggesting that this is the 'curling' up mentioned before? Are you saying that the narrator doesn't fully believe what he/she is saying? That everything dwindles in the end? Maybe even life? One voice isn't heard? I love it, it could have many many meanings.

Well, that's my thoughts on this poem. I really do like it, but it may be just a little bit too general. But I guess I only say that because I know, and have those thoughts, so I can't find them new or thought-prevoking. I've always thought, in any poem, that in order to be new and different, you need to think of a different view, or something personal enough to make it specific to you. Whoever, 'you' is, it doesn't matter. That could be made up. But the emotion will still be there.

Let me know if you've got any questions about anything I've said =D
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
2 out of 2 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

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:iconthefs:
TheFS Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Hey there, my name's Ed from #GrammarNaziCritiques.

Before we get into critiquing your work, I have a question. You've categorised your piece as prose, but to me, it resembles more of a poem. Would you like the piece to be critiqued as prose, or a poem? It might make a difference to the comments received.

Thanks!
Reply
:icondivafica:
divafica Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
Poem is cool! I might change the category :)
Reply
:iconincendiarydreams:
incendiarydreams Featured By Owner Dec 22, 2012   General Artist
you touch me so much... I... out of words. (and I normally talk in excess). it sums it really well, I wish people could stop telling we are wrong and just learn to accept.
Reply
:icondivafica:
divafica Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
I feel so bad for you. :huggle:
Reply
:iconincendiarydreams:
incendiarydreams Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2012   General Artist
thank you, someday I want people stop hating. for now, I'm alive. :floating:
Reply
:iconsaphirepz:
SaphirePZ Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
This is sad and I am sure you are not alone. But you did wonderful expressing your feelings in this short piece.
Reply
:icondivafica:
divafica Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
Thankyou! :tighthug:

To be honest though, I didn't really feel that way at the time, but I'm glad it sounds like I did!
Reply
:iconsaphirepz:
SaphirePZ Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
That's good. When I read it, I felt like the emotion in this was true and honest and that's what made it beautiful.
Reply
:iconaylee95:
aylee95 Featured By Owner Oct 22, 2012
This was nicely written :D
one thing though, you submitted this to the short story folder, but I feel it would fit in better in the free form folder so I'll be moving it there. :) Sorry for the inconvenience.
Reply
:icondivafica:
divafica Featured By Owner Oct 23, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
It's cool, thanks for moving it for me :)
Reply
:iconaylee95:
aylee95 Featured By Owner Oct 23, 2012
you're welcome :D
Reply
:iconnurserozetta95:
NurseRozetta95 Featured By Owner Oct 15, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Love it! I can really relate. This is exactly what I felt like a few years ago :)
Reply
:icondivafica:
divafica Featured By Owner Oct 15, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
I love that people can relate, but I'm sad that you ever felt this way. :pat:
Reply
:iconnurserozetta95:
NurseRozetta95 Featured By Owner Oct 20, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
No worries, I'm all fine now :hug:
Reply
:icondw-adele:
DW-Adele Featured By Owner Sep 21, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
This is really well done. It's short and sweet but still has a lot of depth and emotion. I also really like the very last line that gradually gets smaller.
Reply
:icondivafica:
divafica Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
Thank you so much :aww:
Reply
:iconpainmistress:
Painmistress Featured By Owner Sep 13, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
This is a great, relateable poem!
Reply
:iconhauntedshadowslegacy:
HauntedShadowsLegacy Featured By Owner Sep 11, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
My friend needs to read this! Thank you so much for posting this!
Reply
:icondivafica:
divafica Featured By Owner Sep 11, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
Awhh! :aww:
That's great to hear, it's awesome that people would relate!
Reply
:iconhauntedshadowslegacy:
HauntedShadowsLegacy Featured By Owner Sep 11, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Well... His circumstances aren't quite the best. I was hoping this would cheer him up.
Reply
:icondivafica:
divafica Featured By Owner Sep 11, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
I'm sorry for your friend :hug:
Reply
:iconhauntedshadowslegacy:
HauntedShadowsLegacy Featured By Owner Sep 11, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
If you want, you can help him get a little more attention from good people.

I've been asking a lot of my other friends to help out, too. I even posted a journal about it. Hopefully, they'll pitch in.
Reply
:icondivafica:
divafica Featured By Owner Sep 11, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
Tell him/her to stop by my page if he/she would like me to do anything. :meow:
Reply
:iconhauntedshadowslegacy:
HauntedShadowsLegacy Featured By Owner Sep 11, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Will do! ^^ Thanks for your understanding.
Reply
:icondivafica:
divafica Featured By Owner Sep 11, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
I'm sorry for your friend :sadhug:
Reply
:iconfiarcurrin:
fiarcurrin Featured By Owner Aug 26, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
This is awesome!!!
Reply
:icondivafica:
divafica Featured By Owner Aug 26, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
Thankyou! :love:
Reply
:iconfiarcurrin:
fiarcurrin Featured By Owner Aug 26, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
welcome!!
Reply
:iconmustachecat16:
MustacheCat16 Featured By Owner Aug 7, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Absoluley fantastic!<3
Reply
:icondivafica:
divafica Featured By Owner Aug 7, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
oh pooh, haha, i didnt think my scraps would go to your devwatch ;)
Reply
:iconmustachecat16:
MustacheCat16 Featured By Owner Aug 7, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
ahha! sucks for you dear ;D
Reply
:icondivafica:
divafica Featured By Owner Aug 8, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
i want to win cool prizes ^^;
Reply
:iconmustachecat16:
MustacheCat16 Featured By Owner Aug 8, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Ofcourse you do!
Reply
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