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:icondivafica: More from divafica


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Submitted on
July 27, 2012
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My eyes are red and bloodshot, with low-lying eyelids.

I widen them; it stings a little.
So I squeeze them shut, and open them again
- very slowly.
I've been sobbing on my pillow; it's smudged with my mascara.

Why didn't I take my makeup off before I went to bed?

What was the point of that question?
I sigh, I know exactly why there's no room in my mind
for thoughts about skincare.
I turn back to the mirror on my bedside, and trail my gaze down from my pathetic eyes
toward a purple gash running diagonally from my cupids bow
to the left side of my cheek.
My lip is split, so it hurts to talk now.
"If I slice your mouth sweetie, you'll remember that you mustn't talk." That's what was said.

My body jolts, I turn the mirror away. I don't want to look at my face anymore.

I shut my eyes - gingerly, to save myself pain -
and I tried my very best
to go to sleep.
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:iconripleynox:
Some very powerful imagery! We're right there with her, empathizing all the way. Who is it that hurt her? Why? You don't need to answer the questions, because that longing for more is exactly what leads the reader into wanting to help. We feel her physical pain and a brief glimpse into something deeper with "I don't want to look at my face anymore". We aren't asking for clarification about the scene or any technical aspect. She lives and breathes. Well done.

My critique is more along the lines of editing. This poem needs a stronger opening. Experiment with shifting the lines around. For example, starting with "Why didn't I take off my makeup before I went to bed?" Followed by "I've been sobbing...", then the second stanza, then the closing. Think in terms of painting the picture in a way that draws the reader in and maintains flow all the way to the last line.

In future pieces, try to explore different types of pain. She's hurting, looking away from the mirror. But is she angry? Humiliated? Guilty? There are so many ways to emote an victim of abuse, and each one will make the reader have an opinion about what she should do - in effect, making her story continue in their minds.

Good job!
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:iconclarissabelle:
clarissabelle Featured By Owner Jan 20, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Okay, it's becoming clearer and clearer to me that you are a fantastic poet so I'm just gonna go ahead and watch you :)
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:icondivafica:
divafica Featured By Owner Jan 21, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
Yay! :w00t!:
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:iconclarissabelle:
clarissabelle Featured By Owner Jan 21, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:iconclappingplz:
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:iconcontradictory55:
Contradictory55 Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2012  Student Writer
It is incredibly deep and frankly, I enjoyed reading it. Not your thing? I say the opposite! =D
I want to take this character and just hug her honestly. I want to tell her that he is wrong, that she needs to fight back or walk away.
Reply
:icondivafica:
divafica Featured By Owner Oct 23, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
Awh, thank you! :aww:
Reply
:iconcontradictory55:
Contradictory55 Featured By Owner Oct 23, 2012  Student Writer
You're welcome =D
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:iconendler:
endler Featured By Owner Sep 30, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I'm sorry, but I'm guessing you've mistaken what one of the groups you've put this and another piece of work in for. It isn't for work that wants to be critiqued, but works that are critiques. I'm sorry; but still, lovely pieces!
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:iconohio-writer:
ohio-writer Featured By Owner Aug 9, 2012  Student Writer
A very poignant idea your piece has expressed, one that lives off a high dosage of emotional appeal. That was initially the strongest vibe of your piece was how strong the use of the emotional tone was employed to accomplish the overall concept. One thing that this does to a more casual audience, is turn some of their attention span away because it voices a bit like overly-dramatic in that way. But if one is to look closer, there are many interesting influences that this piece can conjure.

I mentioned that your tone was the primary power of the piece, and like a generator, it makes both the emotion of the narrator and the way the audience is meant to receive the piece. There is always the hidden truth, the concept of bias from the narrator's own view, but it would seem by the circumstances that there is little to no falsehood by which the speaker is burdened with.

Imagery is also a key element to this piece's success. The strongest bit of that comes from the evidence of physical harm which is highlighted rather boldly at times. Despite that, there are subtle uses of imagery that do help set the picture and were added in quite nicely. This piece does not require the full range of senses, thus relying on the the eyes and the sensation of touch were used with additional success.

I usually question the use of varying fonts and faces for text, but in this case most of these are presented with good purpose. I do wish to offer a bit advice in one way. There is one line that is alone and in bold print, and it shows the speaker talking to itself as opposed to presenting it to the audience. In this case, enclosing the single in a parenthetical phrase can accomplish an action of inner dialog without using separate formatting. Just a humble suggest though, as is, it does accomplish its purpose.

Transitioning is also a huge part of moving the reader through the piece without leaving them in tight corridors. The meaning to that is to be careful of some choices of punctuation. You did a very valiant effort in making this piece stand out with a wide variety of usage. I do think there are a few choices that may have different stressing than the manner in which I read them - so I offer one more piece of guidance if you wish. One way to to secure the best possible punctuation in poetry is to read through the piece and voice it audibly and dynamically to see how the piece sounds read in that manner. Hearing it aloud like this can make for near perfect choices and let the piece be acted out - as poetry itself is usually very emotional and acted with like zeal of course.

Overall, your presentation was not perfect, yet it provided a very interesting idea. It has great moments that showcase a rather cruel scene, but it is shown in a very nice light. Thank you for sharing this piece with the group, we hope to see more of your work in the future.

- Ben M. Walls
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:icondivafica:
divafica Featured By Owner Aug 9, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
Thank you so much for this, I can see now that the speaker can come across a little damsel-esque and that wasn't what I was going for so I'll try to change that.
And also - the use of bolds and such, it was a little risky. It's interesting to see what people think. I'm a little confused, do you think it was a good move?

Again, thanks alot. I'll make sure to take everything you say into huge account next time I write, even though I didn't respond to everything.

:dalove:
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:iconohio-writer:
ohio-writer Featured By Owner Aug 9, 2012  Student Writer
You're very welcome. Grammar snobs do frown on using fonts and facing to express something that writing or punctuation can do by itself, but I don't think it was too risky per say. I'd more liken it maybe more artistic than lacking substance - artistic in an unorthodox sense.
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